Enjoy the struggle as much as the result

Ehaan loves to run – and boy, does he run fast! For him, running gives him a sense of freedom and joy (I think!). He also participates in lots of races at school and in the track-and-field class that he goes to in the evenings.

Whenever I go and watch the race, I am always urging him to run faster. If there is a ‘themed race’(e.g., back-and-forth, relay etc), I often yell ‘strategies and tactics’ at him so that he can win. He never listens to any of it. After the race, in case he has won, I congratulate him. In case he has lost, I often ask him (stupidly) things like “why didn’t you run fast?”, “where was your focus?”, “you could have run faster in the closing 20 mtrs” – essentially, observations which are correct but totally useless to him. I am amazed by the responses he gives me as follows:

■      “[competitor who won] ran so fast – zoooooooooom”

■      “I had such a good time. Can we come again tomorrow to run?”. “Can we come again tomorrow to run?” My response was, “No, tomorrow there is no race.” He retorts, almost surprised, “So what if there is no race. The ground and track will still be here. So we can run.”

■      “I saw you cheering me – who was the other Papa beside you?”

■       “Sir clapped so loudly. I heard him shouting my name”

■      “Who runs faster – Flash, Lightning McQueen or me?” I think Lighting McQueen since he is a car”

It’s almost as if he has shut me and my random instructions out completely. He never focuses on coming first, though I know in the heart-of-hearts, he wants to win. Not because the trophy is important but because ‘his Papa says so’. Or (sadly), it is because ‘Papa’s behavior is different when I come first and when I don’t’.

My reflection: We make kids aware of the fact that ‘winning is more important than losing’ as opposed to getting them to ‘Enjoy the moment – outcomes are what they are’. No wonder then, that in later life, they fall prey to competitive pressures – they have lost the joys of the journey and only the destination matters. Now as parents, this does raise lots of questions around ‘is it wrong to push for excellence’ and ‘mere competing does not make kids tough for the eventual big-bad world out there, ‘improvement is critical – hence criticism is important so that the kids know what to improve on’

Several years back, a friend proudly told me his strategy to push his kid – whenever the daughter would come home with her grades, he would just question her WHY. For example, if she came back with an A, he would ask, “Why not A+?” If she came back with an A+, his question was “Why not first 5 in class?”. If she came first in school, his question was, “Why not first across schools?”. He felt he was constantly pushing his daughter towards becoming a better version of herself. Few years later, I heard the news that his daughter tried to commit suicide after she had gotten through her medical entrance. Reason – she had not scored high enough to get into the ‘most prestigious branch of medicine at the most prestigious institute’ but could only get the ‘2^nd best branch at the most prestigious institute’. She felt like a failure in her own eyes since that’s what her father had conditioned her into – NEVER BE SATISFIED, KEEP TRYING HARDER…. BUT TO WHAT END

Lesson 4: Fear and the art of 'Nike-ing' it

My son is very afraid of water, or atleast was till sometime back. Actually, this is an understatement. He used to hate water – even water splashed on his face would bring tears to his eyes. His sister, on the other hand, is a very good swimmer and can do all kinds of acrobatics and strokes in water. And boy! She loves to show this off to her parents and relatives, especially in front of her brother to hog all the accolades.

My son realized that every time a swimming coach (or his father) push him to swim, they will invariably make him put his head in the water and force him to take out bubbles inside. He used to howl a lot and used all kinds of tactics to avoid it (e.g., crying in advance, promising to do a lot of other things in return for not having to put his head in water) but no luck. More than me, his swimming coach kept pushing him to do it since that is the ‘right way to swim’.

In a matter of weeks, he started doing it for 5 seconds at first, then 10, then 15 secs and now for over half a minute. He is still as afraid of putting his head in water since he has yet to master the technique but he just ‘does it’. He knows resistance is futile and has now trained himself to do it before anybody tells him. He still shakes when water is splashed on his face during bath but instead of crying, he smiles and laughs it off, almost saying, “Bring it on, I am not scared”.

What goes for swimming goes for other things too – he does not like to eat healthy food and prefers junk (pizza, pasta, chocolates). However, given that he is grossly underweight, on the advice of doctors, we had to give him one boiled egg very day at breakfast. On the first day, he threw a massive tantrum that shook the house but he was forced to eat it. The second day, he tried to demonstrate retching and also vomited – but we fed him another one. When he refused to eat the egg, we refrained from giving him anything else. For over 4 hours, he starved himself – and then, he went into the kitchen and asked for ‘his boiled egg’. Next day on, we had no complaints at all. And now, he actually looks forward to his egg. He has started linking eggs to his favourite super-heroes – “How many eggs does Hulk eat each day to become strong?”, “Does Thor eat more eggs than Captain America?” “How can Flash run so fast if he does not eat any eggs? If he eats eggs, then why is he so thin?”. Since comics have come into the mix, we were rest assured that eggs wont be a problem henceforth.

My reflection: Kids seem to be able to expand their comfort zone so easily through various ways – an uncanny sense of ‘realism’ (or inevitability) seems to be amongst the top one. They do not over-think it nor do they keep reliving the same fear indefinitely. As adults, we are nowhere close to exploring things outside of our zone – well, for kids, like Nike, they ‘just do it’. This often reminds me of the various motivational themes like ‘Don’t have a Plan B’- so that Plan A succeeds since there is no choice.

I was reminded of the story of the great Maratha warrior, Tanaji Malusare’s uncle, Suryaji from the stories of Shivaji, the great king. Tanaji was a brave soldier who sacrificed his life trying to win back the fort of Kondhana from the Mughals. So long as Tanaji was alive, it seemed that the numeric odds of 5:1 (5 Mughals for every Maratha soldier) did not bother his troops. No longer did the news of Tanaji’s death spread, than his troops started fleeing and dropping weapons. It was at that very time that Suryaji (who was also Tanaji’s no.2 man) stood up and announced that the path to retreat did not exist – he had cut off the ropes which the Marathas had used to climb the Kondhana fort in stealth. So the only way out was ‘death or by defeating the enemies’. Faced with no choice, the Maratha army fought like tigers and defeated the Mughals. Like my son said, “If you have no choice, you will have to do it. And if you have to do it, you may as well enjoy it”!

Lesson 3: The Answer lies in the Question

My kids love the iPad. They love to watch a lot of TV. They like to eat a lot of junk food. They know several ways to ask for these – sometimes, it is a ‘reward for good behavior’, at other times it is a guilt trip (“You were away for so long and now you are tired and want to sleep – atleast let me watch TV”) and sometimes it is just an irrational demand (“If you want me to do X… then I need to play on the iPad”). They have learnt this behavior from their surroundings – watching other kids keep playing on the phones, PS2 and endless Temple (or Ninja) runs.

Now, my wife and I are both strict and yet considerate (or so we like to think and believe!). We have explained to them the drawbacks of too much TV, too much iPad and too much junk food. We had tons of conversations on the pros-cons of these issues – some of these debates lasted for minutes (ended by a loud wailing) and others lasted for hours on end. Neither side wanted to give up and we were at a quandary as to how to get our kids to ‘comply without using a loud voice or tough hands’. What amazed us was the kinds of questions our kids asked us during these debates (and they must have harassed us with hundreds of these) –

■      If TV is bad, why do you watch [favorite serial season X] at night? Lets measure who watches more TV – us, grandpa or you?

■      If iPad is bad, why does everyone we know have not one but 2-3 iPads? On vacations, we don’t get to take our iPad but [xx, a close friend’s son] always gets his

■      You tell us too much junk food is not good for our health and still, we saw our family doctor in McDonalds with his family. How is that possible?

■      Why does grandma watch her serials for 2 hours every day and we are not allowed to do what she does ONLY on this matter? Why don’t you put similar restrictions on grandma – she watches 2 serials every day…

■      Why are you glued to your mobile phone for so long but we are not allowed the iPad? If the mobile is good, then why not the iPad? Actually, the iPad is larger – so it is less harmful to the eyes

■      Why is playing on the Nintendo PlayStation (even an action game which involves moving the body vigorously) not like exercise? We can play tennis, boxing, running and even skip rope on the PS2 – then we wont need to go to the playground

■      Why is watching news channels “good” but watching cartoons “bad”? We are also inspired by seeing super-heroes do good deeds – is that wrong?

■      Is good or bad decided by who is doing it? Or by what is being done? So, if Papa talks a lot on the phone and so do I (kiddos), it must be equally bad or good

Of course, we tried to push back using the logic of ‘everything has to be done in moderation’, ‘not everything adults do is good for kids’ and ‘there is a right place and time for everything’. Our kids then not only started complying and ‘doing things the right way’ but also over time, turned the tables and created home rules (incl. for us), like  

■      No TV during dinner for Mama-Papa also

■      No mobile phone when kids want to play with Mama-Papa; concept of mobile-free hour

■      Distinguish between iPad for entertainment and iPad for education. The time on the two is NOT fungible

■      De-stressing involves cuddling and not switching on the remote

■      Equality between movie time for adults and movie time for kids

My reflection: Engaging in questions (however uncomfortable) enables kids to learn and imbibe at a different level and also helps them create their own logical system. Now, technology and its usage gives rise to so many questions and yet, it is imperative to engage in dialogue with kids. They have the right to question various things, especially when the answers to many of them are going to form the basis of several foundational values in their life e.g., balance over extremes, questioning is important – answers may not be to your liking but the right to questions is a basic one. On a different note, how I wish I had asked more questions in my childhood, rather than focusing on finding the best answers for questions asked by others!

Lesson 2: Failure - A Taught Attitude

It was around 11 PM at night – my wife and our nanny were fast asleep and I was working on some very important and mission-critical ‘spreadsheets and power-points’ on my computer. My wife wanted a break from her daily ritual of putting our 10-month old daughter, Asya to sleep – hence, I got tasked with this. After all, I could make a presentation on any topic under the sun in 20-mins and charm any audience with my oratory – how difficult would it be to put a 10-month old to sleep! (My voice has enabled me to put entire audiences of insomniacs to sleep in minutes – so rest assured, I have enough practice in this!).

Simple enough - mission accomplished in ten minutes! I felt proud of my ‘parenting skills’ as a male (what vanity!) and as soon as Asya was asleep, I got back to my work. After about half an hour, Asya, woke up and crawled towards me with a desiring look on her face. I picked her and put her back on her mattress, patted her and tried to go back to work as fast as possible. She again crawled to me and started crying – being a ‘trained husband’, I immediately checked for signs of potty and (to my relief) found none. I again put Asya back on her mattress and tried to sing a lullaby to put her to sleep. After a couple of tries to come to me, each of which ended in her being put back on the mattress, she started crawling towards the kitchen. By now, I thought she is playing a game – hence, I kept pulling her back from the kitchen and placing her again on the mattress. After another 6-7 times of failed efforts, she waited in her mattress till I was convinced that she wont go anywhere. She even closed her eyes to make me believe this. As soon as I had started concentrating back on my work, she started sliding slowly towards – wait! Not towards the kitchen but to the nanny room. As soon as she came close to the nanny room, she started wailing loudly for waking up the nanny. I rushed towards her since I did not want my wife to wake up (loss of face for a ‘equal opportunities parent’ –“you cant even put her to sleep once? I do it everyday thrice while doing five other things”, said You Know Who!).

Alas! The damage was done and our nanny woke up – she took Asya in her arms and Asya stopped crying and was beaming with joy. Puzzled, the nanny put Asya down on the floor to see what happens next. Asya started crawling at a rapid pace to the kitchen. Both, the nanny and I, realized that this means only one thing – she is HUNGRY. We fed her immediately, after which she slept soundly and I got back to my work.

My reflection: Kids often have a certain goal in mind i.e., food in this case. They try several methods to reach there – when they fail, adapt their moves and techniques. When my daughter could not get her father to give her what she wanted, she tried ‘direct attack’, failing which, she tried to attract the nanny’s attention. How many times would I have tried before giving up? Would I have stepped back, analyzed the situation and then changed efforts – and done so continuously till the goal is achieved? What amazing perseverance! Often, I think we give things to kids too easily – only when they start appreciating the difficulty of getting what they want, kids learn so many lifeskills – and perhaps, the most important one, namely resilience and the importance of NEVER GIVING UP. However, if we don’t allow them opportunities to develop this, they may learn the reverse i.e., getting whatever they want instantly and not even moving a muscle. In today’s day and age of instant gratification, where a click can get everything delivered and a swipe can help meet the most basic desires, isn’t this a dangerous personality flaw which we are nurturing?

Lastly, children don’t give up what they want. A child will bring down the planet to get what he/she wants. It is only later that we teach them to ‘optimize’, to learn what is the best ‘effort-to-reward ratio’. That’s when they learn of ‘giving up’ as a great life-coping mechanism and worse still, of rationalizing failures.

Lesson 1 on Children(ting) - SEE, LEARN & IMPROVISE

I was dozing around in bed, doing nothing as such, in the afternoon. My son had woken me up in the morning at 5 30 AM earlier in the day. Thanks to school, he always wakes up very early, even when it’s a weekend; actually, let me take it back – when it’s a weekend, he wakes up far earlier than on week-days. Whenever I ask my son why does he not do this ‘self-propelled’ wake-up on weekdays, when there is school but only does it on weekends, when his parents want to sleep, he just laughs mischievously.

He now wanted me to play with him but I was not feeling up to it & I really wanted to sleep for some more time. Slowly, he cuddled up to me (what a great feeling!) and whispered in my ear, “Baba, there is something I need to tell you – a complaint has come from school”. All my sleep vanished & I sat up startled, as if I had just gotten an electric shock!

[CONTEXT: A few days earlier, he had received ‘warning 2’ from the school for misbehaving on the bus. This time, it was for running like Usain Bolt every time the bus reached school, not waiting for the bus monitor to take him to class. Warning 2 meant he was one step away from being disbarred from using the school bus, which meant that I would have to figure out alternative means of transportation for him, a total pain in the neck for both, my wife and me. Not only had I given him an earful at that time but also discussed the ‘what…if’ scenario with my wife – the consequences left both of us praying to Ganpati, Shiva, Vishnu and Hanuman, all together, that it never comes to that. He was around in the house as we discussed the apocalyptic nature of ‘NO BUS’.]

Now, as I stared at him, half-worried, half-angry, he smiled naughtily and said, “There is no complaint. I was just joking – will you now play with me since you are awake and fresh?”. I was so relieved that my worst nightmare had not come true that I started playing with him instantly. In that moment, I totally forgot how a 5-year old had tricked me!

My reflection: Kids understand parents’ psychology more than we understand theirs….. They are observing, explicitly or implicitly and getting better at using emotional cues and triggers. THEY ARE ALWAYS WATCHING AND GETTING BETTER LIKE AN AI TEACHING ITSELF! I often wondered why no books are written for kids on how to ‘get their parents to learn parenting’ – now, I know why. They have an in-built book-cum-video-cum Youtube channel, linked to an AI-system that helps them to ‘train parents to behave how they want them to’”😊